The Holidays

December 19, 2021

Listen, I know it’s a few days before Xmas, and I always have to tell you freaks how to act but my thumb hurts, so I’ll just give a quick one-two and call it a day. If you go to someone’s house, and the neighbor’s kid looks like your sister’s husband, keep your damn mouth shut. A lot of states have concealed carry permits and blood in eggnog sucks. If aunt somebody got the vaccine but you don’t want one, shut your yap, it’s none of your damn business and likewise if you got one and she didn’t, to each his own. If you want to be petty, wear a mask at the dinner table and eat under it. (No, don’t do that ya mook, you’ll look a plum fool). Now, as we’re getting older, we need to act accordingly. Make up a little mantra before you go around these people that are the only beings on earth you love but want to murder at least twice a day. It should go something like this, ‘I will not shed blood today’. When they start shiz, as they will, keep smiling, nod, and walk dafuq away, it’ll leave them stymied. If you’re accustomed to arguing your point back and forth without being heard, who’s listening? Stop wasting your breath and time, remember life is too short and too dang precious to waste it on azzholes. Love yourself this holiday season, if you don’t know what that looks like, go into the bathroom close the door look in the mirror and remember who the heck you are. A bad azz bish who takes no shiz from anyone. If you’re not there yet, take small steps.

When mommy dearest starts her crap remember that she’s a shiz mom who didn’t treat you right as a kid and she’s not about to start now. Don’t hate her for it, kids don’t come with a manual, and women and men are playing it by ear as parents. By the time child number five comes along they’ve cut their teeth on one through four and are finally getting it right, so everyone thinks number five is the favorite. That’s not necessarily true, it just means that the adults have learned with time and practice and seem a lot laxer with the baby of the family. On the other hand, if they are playing favorites, catch a clue and stay dafuq away from these narcissistic monsters. They feed off the discomfort of the pick me, crew. Don’t beg anyone to love you, not even the one who birthed you. Please love yourself, this is my only wish for you on this day when people are supposed to be celebrating the Lord but use it to hurt those closest to them. Final note, do not eat from anyone you know doesn’t like you. When you’re visiting that side of the family, put on Colton Lyon mode, no fuqs given. BUY YOURSELF THE BEST GIFT, it’s not selfish to treat yourself.

As for the kids, bless their hearts, the little semen demons raise hell all year but sure know how to clean that mess up around this time. Give them a break, they’ve had a rough couple of years too, being cooped up with old people, not able to go outside as much. Make it a little extra special for them this year, it doesn’t have to be a grand gift, just a hug and five minutes of your time, you’ll be surprised how far that goes. Love you all and stay blessed.

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