I hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary that day and I wasn’t exposed to any sort of bug that I know of. If they couldn’t find any reason for this sudden illness I didn’t know what it could be.
I took stock of my body and though I was weak and my mouth tasted like sawdust, my heart no longer felt like it would burst out of my chest and I was no longer suffering from the shakes.
I was just tired and beat. Nothing I haven’t felt before. “No mom that’s okay. I need to be home….” I almost said in case she comes back but that didn’t make any sense.
It had been a while since I thought like that. That I’d come home one day and find her puttering around in the kitchen the way she used to before everything went to shit.
She’s been gone too long for me to still believe in that pipe dream. I’d long given up hope of that ever happening, but I’d never stopped wishing, all the same. Not really.
I still find myself searching for her face in the crowd. Whenever I travel out of town I get a new sense of anticipation, thinking that maybe this time I’d find her.
I’ve imagined our reunion a million times in a million ways. But will it ever be? Will I ever hold her in my arms again? Will I ever feel the warmth of her body next to mine?
Had I really done everything I could, or was there something I’d missed? The police had no clues, no one had seen or heard a thing in two years.
A human being had just simply disappeared off the face of the earth. And though I told myself in the beginning that she would walk through the door any day. As time went on even I stopped believing that.
The cops kept telling me that she’d pulled a runner, but I knew it wasn’t true. She would never have left me, not for any reason.
If there was one thing I was sure of it was our love for each other. I knew her inside and out, knew that when she looked up at me with those big blue eyes, that the love I saw there was real.
I refused to listen to anyone who tried selling me on the idea that my woman had found someone else and ran off. Just the thought of such a thing had made me murderous in the beginning, until I’d stopped cooperating with the cops.
I had no explanation for her sudden disappearance but I knew what we had, was real. But in the end that hadn’t been enough.
It hadn’t been enough to keep her safe, to keep her at my side for the rest of her life like she’d promised.
Every day since she’s been gone I’ve fought an internal battle. Trying to hang on to the truth as I knew it.
The truth that she would never leave me on her own accord, and the reality that she was gone. My worst fear and the thing I fought most was the idea that she was dead.