What the fuck am I thinking? No fucking way. She’s out there somewhere. I would know if she was gone from this world. I would stop breathing myself if she was no longer here.
Something had happened to take her away from me and I won’t rest until I figure out what had happened to my woman. No giving in you fuck, fight; hold on. She’s out there, somewhere, waiting…
Anger helped push some of the burning in my chest away. Anger and renewed purpose. It had been a while since I felt this strongly about it. After the up and down battle of hoping she was alive and not being sure.
After the first year or so with no results, I’d had no choice but to accept the multiple reports from not only the cops, but also the private investigators.
Everyone else seemed convinced that she was dead. That’s when they weren’t trying to convince me that she’d run off with someone else. I seemed to be the only one who didn’t think either of those things was true. But I’d exhausted all my resources with no results.
No one knew where to find her or where to look. And after months of trying on my own, when I forsook everything else, I’d had to let it go to keep myself from going insane.
But this very moment, even as I felt like I was going insane or about to die, I felt renewed vigor. Two years might seem like a lot to some, those who’d told me it was time to move on. To hell with them and that.
It was our love the love we shared that had kept me going in the beginning. And that love had never wavered. I have never stopped believing what my heart was saying.
I would know if she was gone if her life flow had ended. That’s how close we were, are. Two halves of the same whole. If I am still alive, then so is she.
My hands tightened on the wheel as I felt a renewed sense of excitement. How had I allowed myself to grow lax? How could I have even entertained the thought of giving up on my search for her?
As my heart raced for a different reason this time, I felt my vision blur again as I made my way slowly through the streets to home.
My skin grew clammy with sweat and I realized that the faster my heart raced the sicker I felt. I had to fight to control my breathing and keep my thoughts in check.
I kept below the speed limit, as I wasn’t sure what was happening to me. Maybe I am dying. Maybe that’s for the best. Again the thought that maybe in death I will see her again intruded. Zandi.
I felt pain rip through me at the thought of her name. A name I hadn’t allowed myself to utter in so long. Why now? Why was it that I felt her so strongly tonight?