When had I started losing the memory of her, of our life together? When had I started needing to look at a picture to remember what her face looked like?
I tried pushing those thoughts aside. Thoughts I’d had to let go for my own sanity. But even as I tried to get ahold of my thoughts and senses another memory kept flashing back and forth in my mind. Another woman, another time…
I fought back the memories as they tried to materialize. “I can’t go through this again. Fuck me, no.”
For two years I’ve been a shell of myself. I walked, talked, ate and slept, but inside I was dead. Something had been taken from me. The most vital part of me was gone.
I thought I’d finally found a way to put it all behind me in the past six months. It had taken me that long. But I know now that I’d only been fooling myself.
I’ll never be over it, never be able to move on in this life. Renewed pain shot through me as I felt tears gather in my eyes and I was back to the beginning of my own personal hell.
I miss her so fucking much! When will this ache go away? When will I be free of the memories? Maybe I should just end it. Go be with her in death. Anything is better than this constant hell.
Why did you leave me damn you? Why did you tear the heart from me, leaving me as nothing more than this shell? And why can’t I let you go? Why every time I even think of moving on, do I feel like I’m betraying you, us, our love?
I cut my thoughts off as my chest tightened and my breath grew short again. My head swam and my hands trembled but I knew I couldn’t turn back, not after the stunt I’d just pulled.
I closed my eyes and waited for the trembling to stop and the nausea to pass. It wasn’t that far a distance to home, once there I’d take something for whatever the hell I was coming down with.
I just needed to stay alert long enough. Ten minutes was all I needed to get me to my door. I tried to calm myself and clear my head enough for the short journey.
My heart raced as I turned the key in the ignition. I pulled onto the road again and only got about a half a mile before the pain started up again.
Was this it? Am I about to die? Is that why my mind has been plaguing me with the past all damn day? Maybe it was time.
Maybe I should just give up since I haven’t been living for the past two years anyway. Maybe now I will be able to join her again, if not in life in death. I’ll take it.
I saw her face in my mind’s eye, that beautiful smile that I’ve been missing every day since she’s been gone. I felt myself giving in, almost accepting my fate.