I knew it was my guilt for not loving her the way I should, the way she wanted me to, and even now I felt bad. I should’ve known that it wouldn’t work even when I tried telling myself that it could. I couldn’t even bring myself to pronounce my wife dead, or file for divorce just in case she was alive somewhere.
Now I think about it, I can’t believe I’d even thought of doing such a thing. How had I let Mindy and mom talk me into it? I couldn’t quite remember now, but I know I must’ve agreed since this evening she’d only talked about the wedding.
She’d been so excited. Her every word had been about the plans she was making for the big day. Maybe that’s why I’d freaked, and why I’d finally came to my senses and put an end to the madness.
I’d known since the beginning that I wasn’t in love with her. That I’d never love another woman the way I loved my wife. She knew it too, everyone did.
But after I’d given in to the pressure from her and everyone else around me that seemed to think marriage to her was the answer, was the way to bring me back to life, I’d made myself commit.
She was a dear friend, someone I trusted and if there was no love at least there was that. I never in a million years would’ve thought myself capable of hurting her, not after the way she’d been there for me during the worst time of my life.
So why had I reacted so strongly? Why had I been so cruel? Maybe that’s why I’m feeling the way I am now. I could’ve handled that better I think.
Now that I was away from there the whole thing seemed like an act in a play. I have never been so unconscionable in my dealings with anyone, especially not someone who had been so kind to me when I needed it.
But somehow tonight when I was near her, hearing her talk about our wedding, I almost hated her, hated myself for being there. It made no sense, and I had no answers for any of it.
I just know that the thought of her or anyone else walking down the aisle to meet me left me feeling sick. I didn’t want her, didn’t want anyone else but my woman. The woman who it now seemed was never coming back.
That old familiar pain hit me in the gut and I blinked away sudden tears. Will I ever get over this? Will there ever come a day when she doesn’t haunt me? Even when I knew I loved her, I never knew love could be like this.
That it could consume you in every way, even when one half of that love was gone. In my head, as I thought of ‘her’ the memories became like wisps of smoke.
Where once I could remember her clearly, it was getting harder and harder these days. When had that started happening? I can’t seem to recall.