I felt like I could breathe for the first time in months and wondered how in the hell I’d let myself get to this point.
I don’t know where my renewed strength of will came from but I was glad for it. I could’ve made a very horrible mistake had I not come to my senses. Because I’d stopped caring about life I’d told myself I could do this. But now I see how selfish that was even though I’d done it for her.
I would’ve ruined both our lives by going through with a marriage that I didn’t want with a woman I didn’t love and never will. If only I could get her to understand. But she’s the one who kept pushing in her own way.
She wanted to save me I know because that’s the kind of friend she is. I know she’s in love with me. And even though she thinks that that’s enough, I know better. I’ve been in love, still am, with someone else.
I walked out of the room with her hot on my trail, pleading, but her words meant nothing to me. It was as if my eyes were finally open and I was thinking clearly again.
It had been a while since I’d been able to get ahold of my thoughts, a while since I’d cared about anything. That’s the reason why I’d agreed to the wedding because I didn’t care.
But the closer we get to that day, the more I’ve been coming out of my shell. I know it would be wrong, and though she may not see things my way now, she’d thank me in the future.
I know this is going to cause a lot of heartache and grief to a lot of people but I can’t do it. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to me. The closer I got to the door the slacker the noose around my neck seemed to get. I was almost running at the end.
I shrugged off her hand when she clutched my arm and finally allowed myself to look at her. Guilt ate away at me when I saw the tears in her eyes but I didn’t let that stop me this time. “I’m sorry Mindy, I can’t.”
I went out the door for what may be the last time as she called out to me, choosing to leave it at that. There was nothing left to say. I’d never lied to her, never pretended to feel something that wasn’t there. At least I didn’t have that on my conscience.
I heard her cry out for me but forced myself to keep going. I was as sure as I was breathing that there were no words that could make me take back the ones I’d just said.
I didn’t look back as I hopped into my Range Rover and drove away. That feeling of being freed was strong and I no longer felt like there was led in my gut.