Why did I convince myself that this time would be different when I knew deep down that nothing would ever change? Even when my heart was dead inside me, when I didn’t care if I lived or died, I knew that no one could ever take my woman’s place.
But for whatever reason, I’d let myself be talked into it this time. Was it to prove something to myself? Or to others? I knew it wasn’t because of any real interest on my part.
This was only the second or third time I’d let myself be talked into coming to her place, and I’m pretty sure it might be my last.
I felt stifled like I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt this way. But tonight the feelings were stronger than in the past and I knew I could no longer brush them aside, ignore them.
It was time I faced the truth. That no matter how much time had passed, I’m never going to feel whole again. Never going to want this with anyone else but the woman who owns my heart.
I know she feels it too, the lack of true interest on my part. But how could I explain without hurting her feelings? There was no way to do that without lying and that I’m not very good at.
I placed my fork on the plate next to my half eaten food and stood up to leave. The night had only just begun but for me, it was already over. The shit was dead before I got here.
“Where are you going?” I didn’t look at her, couldn’t, and didn’t really want to. “I’m going home. I can’t…” I felt pity and something sour stir in my gut.
I knew from her actions of late that she was expecting me to take her to bed, that she’d been waiting for it for a long time.
I’d put it off as long as I could because the very thought made me sick to my stomach. Nothing personal, it was nothing against her.
I just wasn’t ready to share that side of me with anyone else, not now, and maybe not ever. It was a humbling thought at my age, but there was no help for it.
Something inside me had died two years ago and I had no real interest in reviving it at this time. Maybe that would change in the future who knows.
But for now, I can’t and won’t force myself to feel something I don’t. That feeling of being buried alive assailed me again and that’s when I said it.
It had been on my tongue these last few days, but I never found a way that wouldn’t cause hurt. Now it didn’t seem to matter. I just wanted out.
“I can’t marry you.” A ton of pressure fell from my shoulders and chest as the words finally left my lips. The feeling of relief was astounding and I was suddenly lighter in body and spirit.