Midlife Woes- A new book by Jordan Silver

May 5, 2023

When Jolene Masterson finds out that her husband of twenty-something years is stepping out on her, her reaction is not quite what you’d expect. Battling an intense case of perimenopause along with a heavy dose of ‘don’t give a fuck,’ this just hitting her stride, Southern Belle decides that this was her chance to start all over.

EXCERPT

“I want a divorce.”
“Okay.”
“What?”
“I said okay.” I continued drinking my coffee and eating my homemade cinnamon roll dripping with icing that was fresh out of the oven.

“You bitch. After twenty-five years of marriage, that’s all you can say to me?” I didn’t even look in his direction. He was no more of a distraction than a buzzing fly or a gnat that was trying to crawl up my ass.

“I want you out of my house.” Now see, that is where we part ways. I’ve lived in this house for more than twenty years, raised my children here, and put up with his bullshit for much longer than I should. My only answer to his asinine statement was to pick up the steak knife I was supposed to be halving my cinnamon roll with and roll my eyes in his direction. He got the message real quick and stepped back.

He stomped around the kitchen, banging pots on the counter and making a complete ass of himself, so I picked up my phone and dialed my girlfriend, Sheila. “Did you confront him?”
“I did.”
“And what did he say?”

“You know, the usual. It didn’t mean anything; it was a mistake, yada-yada-yada.” As if telling me, his wife and the mother of his children, that he fucked some strange bitch ‘just because’ was supposed to make it better. “Why are adulterers and adulteresses so dumb? Do they think telling their spouse that they fucked them over for something that meant nothing makes it all better?”

“Why are you always telling that bitch my business? You see, this is why….”

“Tell that motherfucker to call me out my name one more time.” I didn’t have to tell him shit because she was screaming loud enough for him to hear her across the room. Coward that he is, he swallowed and zipped his yap.

“Sheila, what the hell kind of friend are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Twenty-five years ago, when you were standing up as my maid of honor, couldn’t you have spilled some shit on my wedding gown? How could you have subjected me to this asshole for the best years of my life?”

“Best years, my ass girlie, we are in our prime. You are prime fucking real estate girlfriend.”

I can’t keep up with her craziness half the time, but this I have got to hear. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Girl, are you for real? You’ve got the kids; the last one just left the nest for college; you’re not the one who cheated; you’re going to clean up in the divorce and make sure you keep that kickass house; that pool is good for some midnight swims.”

“Your ass can’t see at night what swimming?” Her husband teased her in the background.

“Shut your ass before I send you the way of doofus McRooney over there.” That’s the name she’d taken to calling my soon-to-be ex since we found out about his affair with the young girl less than half his age.

Kevin the worm was looking kinda antsy, so I kept an eye on him out the side of my eye because he’s been acting very out of character since I confronted him with all the evidence last night. I’m not sure what his problem is; I mean, he’s the one who stepped out on our marriage. All I did was confront him, and when I didn’t kick up the fuss, he expected his little feelings got hurt.

All I want is what’s coming to me, and Sheila’s right; I’ve already raised my four kids, and my baby just left for college. My two oldest are already done, the third is about to be done, and it’s looking like my life is now about to begin.

Now Available On Patreon https://www.patreon.com/AuthorJordanSilver

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