Menopause Is a Skanky Twat

Weight gain, check, irregular periods, check, memory spasms, check

So, this ornery bitch moved into my body and decided that she was the new boss. I went from not even noting down my menstrual cycle for the past thirty odd years, to dodging this bitch like a debt collector. She shows up when she feels like it, doesn’t come when she’s supposed to and since I know who she is I wish she’d just do her shit and get the hell gone already.

I’ve gained fifty pounds in two years. Didn’t change my eating habits, had to start exercising which does fuck all to get rid of the half a person I now carry around my middle and the running and lifting doesn’t seem to be doing their job.

Did I mention the night sweats? Or the fact that ten minutes after I put my AC on permafrost, which doesn’t do shit, I get so damn cold I start to shiver and have to turn it off? If i could lose weight moving back and forth from the thermostat I’d be good.

I used to have a crackerjack memory, which was the bane of my husband’s existence, now I can’t remember shit two minutes later. And if one more person tells me this is normal I just might pick up sharp shooting. Goodnight

Update One
This bitch has decided that since I had 3 day periods for over thirty years that she’s gonna hang around longer this time. She shows up, fucks with me, then disappears only to return three days later like she’s trying to give me a damn heart attack. If that’s not bad enough my coach has this new odor, it’s not horrible but it’s… different, I’m not sure what the hell is going on. I used coconut oil and that seemed to take care of the new scent.

Update Two
Has anyone else noticed how honest this menopause bitch makes you? Maybe that’s why people are always claiming women are crazy during this period. It’s because we have built up a low tolerance for fuck stupid bullshit. Having never really had a filter before, I find that even the title bit of empathy I had for stupid is long gone.

Hot flashes and sweaty pits has taken that shit all away. So here’s some honesty for ya, people generally suck. Every last one of these blood sucking vipers want your life to revolve around them. They smile and say ‘ok’ but if you’re not bending over ass backwards to please them, they think you’re shit. Fuck you, I was not put here to live your life I’m living my own.

Please be genuine in your life, do not let people rule you, be true to yourself and for the love of fuck, find some joy in your life. Get rid of toxic people no matter what title they may have. But if you’re the toxic one get your shit together and stop being a shit stain.

16 Comments

  1. Just wait till you go to the Dr…. I get this…..Well you know Kim now that you have reach (enter age here) that your body is changing and you need to take better care of yourself. Well I did not start eating anything different and I sure have not changed the amount of sex I get or quit working out! Well I am ready for someone to come up with a pill that makes it all go away…although I have to say not having monthly has been wonderful, been seven years now with out that little problem. The rest I could do without.

    I feel ya love!

  2. I didn’t have any symptoms other than weight gain. I could sleep, no night sweats, my memory was good, then almost overnight my sleep patterns changed, my memory’s shit, and what the hell is on my chin? There are two hairs that grow faster than anything I’ve ever seen. If anyone knows what helps this please let me know!!

    1. my azzhole husband calls it my beard and is always chasing me around the house to clip it. Nothing to stop it, the crap is here to stay. Weight gain is putting it mildly and good grief the no period for two months then a tsunami smdh.

  3. Mother nature is clearly a sadistic bitch. I seriously think she owes the males of the species something to make up for this shit.

  4. I feel for you. I have been dealing with those symptoms for 10 years. Some times are worse than others, and really what is NORMAL? I don’t think any of this is normal, I think it’s a cruel twisted monster that takes over to make us cr@zy and maybe to thin out the male population when we go homicidal over the least little thing they do? However, you are not in it alone. Chin up ❤️

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