Menopause Is a Skanky Twat

Weight gain, check, irregular periods, check, memory spasms, check

So, this ornery bitch moved into my body and decided that she was the new boss. I went from not even noting down my menstrual cycle for the past thirty odd years, to dodging this bitch like a debt collector. She shows up when she feels like it, doesn’t come when she’s supposed to and since I know who she is I wish she’d just do her shit and get the hell gone already.

I’ve gained fifty pounds in two years. Didn’t change my eating habits, had to start exercising which does fuck all to get rid of the half a person I now carry around my middle and the running and lifting doesn’t seem to be doing their job.

Did I mention the night sweats? Or the fact that ten minutes after I put my AC on permafrost, which doesn’t do shit, I get so damn cold I start to shiver and have to turn it off? If i could lose weight moving back and forth from the thermostat I’d be good.

I used to have a crackerjack memory, which was the bane of my husband’s existence, now I can’t remember shit two minutes later. And if one more person tells me this is normal I just might pick up sharp shooting. Goodnight

Update One
This bitch has decided that since I had 3 day periods for over thirty years that she’s gonna hang around longer this time. She shows up, fucks with me, then disappears only to return three days later like she’s trying to give me a damn heart attack. If that’s not bad enough my coach has this new odor, it’s not horrible but it’s… different, I’m not sure what the hell is going on. I used coconut oil and that seemed to take care of the new scent.

Update Two
Has anyone else noticed how honest this menopause bitch makes you? Maybe that’s why people are always claiming women are crazy during this period. It’s because we have built up a low tolerance for fuck stupid bullshit. Having never really had a filter before, I find that even the title bit of empathy I had for stupid is long gone.

Hot flashes and sweaty pits has taken that shit all away. So here’s some honesty for ya, people generally suck. Every last one of these blood sucking vipers want your life to revolve around them. They smile and say ‘ok’ but if you’re not bending over ass backwards to please them, they think you’re shit. Fuck you, I was not put here to live your life I’m living my own.

Please be genuine in your life, do not let people rule you, be true to yourself and for the love of fuck, find some joy in your life. Get rid of toxic people no matter what title they may have. But if you’re the toxic one get your shit together and stop being a shit stain.

16 thoughts to “Menopause Is a Skanky Twat”

  1. I see that Celeste has introduced HRT (hormone replacement therapy) tot he group. I would like to add to her comment. I entered the big M at 51, was surprised by the event and rather less than humorously purchased 3 pregnancy tests (thinking my husband had knocked me up), before it finally occurred to me that I was entering the “valley of the shadow of death”. Bring on Google in search of answers. It didn’t take too long to find a good doctor who ONLY deals in Menopause and Andropause patients. Now 3 years later, I am on pellets, I have transitioned completely through the big M. My body and mind are back in sync. I no longer have rabid cravings and I am training for my first body-building competition. Yep, I’ve got a baby six-pack. I should add that I did not have to remove any of my original parts through surgery. Please JS investigate this option…..we would hate to see your writing take on a Stephen King aura. 😉

  2. I have been going through peri menopause HELL for almost 7 years! With hot flashes,night sweats, forgetfulness, anxiety and a bunch of other off the wall symptoms. I feel your struggle! I can’t wait for this crap to end! Take care Jordan

  3. I’m just hitting the start where I’m facing fluctuations in my period, so not looking forward to full blown menopause, my heart goes out to you

  4. Went through meno long time ago, maybe 15 years, was happy it was over, cause as Bette Davis said, “getting old ain’t for sissies”. Then, guess what, I had to have a total hysterectomy last year and had to go through meno all over again. Who the hell knew. Sitting here right now sweating like a pig and its the end of October in NJ. I feel like I’ve been played a trick upon.

    1. Only the very strong gets tested like this butterfly, you must be doing something right for you to keep getting knocked down so often. You just remain beautiful inside and out and get that reward butterfly you hear me

    2. So far, only you have seen it that way, really hope its true and yeah I’m trying so hard to stay in the positive light. Thanks Mama Butterfly.

  5. bioidentical hormones kick menopause ass, best thing i ever did was see a bioidentical hormone doctor, few and far between here in Canada

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