I wanted to lift my hand to my throat where I’d wrapped my new Louis Vuitton belt an hour or more ago.
I wasn’t even sure if I was alive or if this was just some strange afterlife waiting room that they made you go to before they sent you off to heaven or hell.
I know where I’m going, where I deserve to be. Fresh tears started and rolled down my cheeks as everything I’d done to bring me here came flooding back like a tsunami of bad decisions.
My parents rubbed my back and whispered words of love and encouragement in my ear but I didn’t hear them.
I just wanted to go back to sleep, to escape back into that darkness that had been the only peace I’ve known in the last couple weeks.
I pulled out of their hands and laid back on the bed, now staring up at the ceiling, still seeing nothing.
Brandon! My heart cried out for him, but for the first time since we were very little he wasn’t there. He was never going to be there again and it was all because of me, all because of one stupid mistake that I could never take back.
“Oh baby, don’t cry. Whatever this is we’ll get through it.” No we won’t mom, because once you and dad find out what I’ve done you won’t like me either.
I tried turning on my side to escape her gaze but daddy was on the other side. His face was a blur but there was no mistaking the sadness in his eyes.
That look only made my heart bleed more and the infuriating tears begun in earnest again, not like they’d ever stopped.
I wanted to tell them to leave me alone. That I wasn’t worth their worry and care, and it broke my heart that after everything they’d done for me, I had come to this.
I finally closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. They sat there for the longest time running their hands over my head and arms before I drifted off to sleep for real.
It was a dream; I knew it was somehow. Brandon and I were in the backyard at my house in the hammock.
I had my feet in his lap as we swayed gently under the big old magnolia tree that shielded us from view. It was our favorite place, our secret haven.
We were both reading, he some techie stuff and me one of my new adult romance novels that he likes to tease me mercilessly about.
The sun was bright and high overhead, it was about four in the afternoon. The birds were flitting from tree to tree singing their little hearts out and all was right in my world.
Every once in a while I’d just look over the top of my book at him and my heart would squeeze in my chest.
Sometimes I couldn’t believe he was mine, this gorgeous boy, with the wild black hair, and the piercing green eyes.