This wouldn’t be so hard if I hadn’t been the one to screw up, if I could take the high road. But I was the one who’d made the biggest mistake of my life and lost the only boy I knew I’d ever love.
I formed his name on my lips but no sound came, and then the room begun to fill and I lost my chance. I wanted to cry but I don’t think there were any tears left.
It’s been two weeks and I still cry myself to sleep at night. I can’t talk to anyone about what’s bothering me, the person I thought was my best friend after him was part of the problem, and my mom who I can share anything with was never to find out what an ass her daughter had been.
I got a cramp in my tummy at the thought of mom and dad finding out what I’d done. Dad would lock me in my room and throw away the key, and mom would just give me one of her disappointed looks that was almost worst than an open hand slap across the face.
I didn’t hear a word the teacher said and was the first one out the door when the bell rang. I hoofed it to my next class and did pretty much the same.
If I hadn’t already taken all my classes and been accepted to a good university I would be in fear of my grades, but we were just going through the motions now until time ran out.
Lunch was the usual horror it had become since the incident. No one sat with me; I’d become contagious.
I wanted to jump to my feet and yell at them all to look at me, to see what their silence was doing to me, how it made me feel. But I knew I wouldn’t.
Instead I sat there chewing the same piece of lettuce for three minutes. I felt sick when just that little bit hit my stomach and just gave up the pretense of eating altogether.
I wanted my mom, was tempted to call her and spill my guts, but I couldn’t. I can’t bear to disappoint one more person I love.
It didn’t help that Brandon seemed to be just as miserable as I was. It didn’t help either that all the girls I’d once called my friends were now vying for his attention.
Anger mixed with the sadness and I just wanted to die. I never knew you could feel this lonely while surrounded by so many people.
Even though there was laughter and loud talking, the silence inside was deafening. There was only one thing on my mind, the same thing that had been there for the past two weeks, the thing that had destroyed my life.
Did they think I couldn’t see them staring, whispering, pointing? Did they think I didn’t know what was the topic on everybody’s tongue?
When it got to be too much I got up and left. The tears didn’t start until I made it to the stall in the bathroom. At least there was that. I wouldn’t embarrass myself farther in front of the whole school.